Curious Parents Education Resources

Brought to you by the Web's most popular destination for inspired parenting.

sponsored by

Dealing with Discipline

By Joyce Powell


Discipline is probably every parent’s least favorite topic. Yet everyone -- from your grocer to your grandmother -- has a theory on discipline, and it probably drastically differs from your own ideas about it. Here are some strategies for improving your children’s behavior and ways to work with school staff to make sure that your children understand the rules -- at home and at school.

Create an atmosphere of trust. Let children know they can turn to you with their problems. Discuss the problems that cause your children distress. Remember, what seems insignificant to you may be a big problem to a child.

Encourage children’s respect for authority. Examine your own attitudes toward authority and discipline. Are they clear? Firm? Consistent? Most important, are they fair?

Be firm but not unreasonable. Allow children to express their views. Watch for signs that your child is turned off to you, to school or to valuable friends.

Allow your children to experience the results of their actions -- to take responsibility for what they say and do. If your child gets into trouble at school, get all the facts before reacting -- including the teacher’s point of view. Visit or call the school and talk to the teacher.

As with many things, communication is the key. Discipline begins with communication: telling your children what you need, listening to their needs, and developing their rules -- together.

Don’t lose your temper. Children need to know you’re in control.

Don’t give your children a mixed message by behaving in one manner and asking them to behave differently.

Be strict but consistent. Children like the security of strong support.

Be a parent, not a “buddy.” Children need the guidance of responsible adults.

Be a guide. Let them know about your beliefs and encourage theirs.

Stress the importance of not repeating wrong behavior. Emphasize how our wrongs can hurt other people -- in ways we would not want to be hurt.

Punish no more than the misbehavior warrants -- and always do it with love, not anger.

Be honest and open. Be generous with sincere and deserved praise. Criticism is more easily accepted when accompanied by praise.

Discipline should mean constructive guidance -- positive guidelines that help your child now and later. That’s not an easy job. You will, at times, lose your temper and say or do things you wish you hadn’t. But if those times are rare and temporary setbacks, you will still accomplish a great deal.

Most parents realize that discipline in their homes is the daily practice of preset rules -- rules that encourage the development of responsible behavior at home, in school, and elsewhere.

Extreme measures -- such as repeated physical punishment -- are not effective in maintaining discipline. The opposite extreme -- giving children unjustified rewards -- also sends the wrong message.

The solution? Think positively. Parents and teachers need to praise good behavior and correct misbehavior. This will set the pattern for self-discipline -- a key to your child’s success. And when parents and teachers work together, our children are the winners.


Home & School Working Together

1. Understand the school’s discipline code. Every New Jersey school district is required to have a written code of conduct for students. It outlines unacceptable behavior and establishes penalties. Ask your school for a copy. Read it, and let your child know you’re reading it. You gain the respect of both your child and the school staff when you take an interest in knowing the rules.
2. Encourage regular attendance. Understand your school’s attendance policies. Your child’s academic standing may be affected by absences. Plan family vacations or other activities to avoid taking your child out of school unnecessarily. Of course, if there is a special problem, such as long-term illness, the school needs to know. See that your child makes up any work missed during an absence.
3. Work with teachers. When a particular concern arises and you want to talk to you child’s teacher, arrange a conference as soon as you can. Teachers welcome the interest and help of parents.

Joyce Powell, a special education teacher in Vineland, is the elected President of 192,000 teaching staff, support staff, and retired members of the New Jersey Education Association.