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Don’t Bully Me!

By Dr. Sandra Juriga

Jessie is digging through her desk. She knows those crayons are in there somewhere. “Aha!,” she says and holds them out triumphantly, only to have the bottom of the box spill 24 lovely colors all over the classroom floor. The class is suddenly quiet and soon a small giggle bursts out. Before long, even the teacher is helpless in stifling her laughter.

Kris waits outside for his dad to pick him up after school. He’s rocking from foot-to-foot, wishing his dad would hurry up and get there. Too late, he’s spotted the eighth grade boys making their way out the gym doors and, of course, they’re headed in his direction. One of them cuffs him on the back of the head, while another pulls on his backpack. He holds on tight and before long he hears the all too familiar sound of the seam tearing from the strap. His dad pulls up, and the shameless boys scurry off.

Parents often feel helpless when it comes to protecting their child from aggressive bullies. Parents may feel they don’t fully understand where the line is between harmless teasing and bullying. Even if a parent is able to identify that their child is being taunted or tormented, they feel ill prepared to respond. In Jessie’s situation, she may laugh along with her classmates. She may have good social skills and quickly realize everyone makes a silly mistake sometimes. Further, she might even enjoy her opportunity to entertain and find that she likes making her class laugh sometimes. Some teasing among children and adults is normal and beneficial toward navigating social relationships. It can encourage friendly competition or spur a person on to perform better. When teasing is slightly more challenging, it may provide a skilled child an opportunity to negotiate conflict among peers.

Kris’ situation is more challenging for both Kris, his father, his teacher and even his peers, who may empathize and suffer as silent witnesses. Talking to Kris on that car ride home may give his father a chance to assess the seriousness of the problem. He may already know whether or not this problem happens often, but he should also find out what Kris thinks of this problem. Does Kris feel he is being singled out? Does he have a plan for how he’s going to cope with this problem? Is Kris feeling helpless and unsure of how to ask someone to step in for him?

If nothing is done either at school or at home, children may come to believe that school is not a haven and that adults are not reliable. Bullying may also have significant consequences for their physical and emotional well-being. Open and frequent talks are useful, but there are many other signs a parent might look for in figuring out whether teasing has turned into out-and-out bullying, the sort that is aggressive or chronic. These might include:

• Frequent crying
• Anxiety about school or activities
• Not eating or sleeping well
• Headaches or stomach aches
• Not interested in playing
• Not wanting to spend time with other children
• An increase in irritability

An ongoing relationship with school teachers and other personnel will make it easier to advocate for your child should a specific problem around bullying arise. Parents should strongly encourage school administrators to have a “no-bullying policy” at their school. Proactive steps can also be taken at home to counteract the negative impact taunting may have on a child’s self-esteem. After providing coaching on how to handle a bully, a parent should express confidence in a child’s ability to use their skills. Encouraging your child to participate in group activities such as team sports, a club or religious group will aid in developing social skills and in forming friendships that may later serve as allies. Paradoxically, teaching your child to stand up for other victims of bullying will reinforce his or her own skills and promote an environment where bullying is not tolerated. Teasing and taunting may be an unavoidable part of childhood, but bullying should be confronted on all fronts.

Sandra Juriga, Ph.D. is a licensed Clinical Child Psychologist at Children’s Specialized Hospital and provides individual/group psychotherapy, psychological testing, and psychoeducational workshops. She has also provided extensive services for children and families of officers who died in the line of duty.