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How Couples Dealing with Infertility can Enjoy the Holiday Season

By Andrea M. Braverman, Ph.D.

The holiday season is difficult to ignore: signs of the season are all around us. Some stores put up Christmas displays in September and supermarket battles for the last turkeys turn shopping aisles into arenas in November. For the most part, it’s a time of fun and celebration. But, for couples who are having problems conceiving, the holidays can cause or intensify emotional problems associated with infertility: feelings of isolation, sadness, and stress.

Infertile couples envision spending the holidays with a child of their own. Those feelings become even more acute when attending holiday parties with family members who have their own children. The icing is slid over the cake like a knife when certain family announcements occur: news about pregnancies, births, and children’s accomplishments. The couples are not teeming with animosity; the experiences make the lack of a baby even more painful.

However, individuals and couples without a child can make the holiday season a time of joy and happiness despite infertility.

Plan Ahead

By recognizing that feelings of sadness and special challenges will occur during the holiday season, you can develop a plan to reduce stress and enjoy the season. Here are some suggestions:

Communicate openly with your partner about what you both want and don’t want during the holidays. For example, you may wish to avoid the family gift exchange while your partner may find religious services particularly difficult. Be prepared to compromise and be creative. Plan to share your experiences and feelings with your family and friends. Offer some ideas about how they can be supportive while also recognizing that they will want to enjoy the holidays as well. Prepare for any questions you may get from people who do not know you are experiencing infertility. For example, a well-intentioned aunt may ask about your plans to have a baby. In these circumstances you should feel free to steer the conversation in a new direction. An answer such as “we’re working on it” or “it’s not always that easy” should quiet most curious interrogators.

Change is Okay

In addition to planning ahead, couples experiencing infertility may want to consider changes in their holiday planning:

It is okay to limit or avoid holiday events that you feel might be especially challenging. You can also set limits on the amount of time spent with family. Join in some activities with family and friends, but consider creating new traditions with your partner or spouse or others. Some couples may join family on Christmas Eve but will spend Christmas Day doing something special together. Most holiday events are child oriented so plan accordingly. Television commercials and programs feature many images of children during this time so you may want to avoid them. Also, consider shopping through catalogues or online and visit toy stores at hours when there are fewer children (such as later in the evening)

Find Your Own Joy

Finally, don’t forget that you can find satisfaction and joy during the holidays. Be good to yourself and recognize that it is natural and okay to have some negative feelings. Try to focus on things you enjoy: take advantage of the foods or music of the season; focus on helping others by volunteering or donating to charities; or take time to concentrate on the spiritual aspects of the holidays. This time can also affect how you feel about treatment. You may even find that you want to put your efforts to have a baby on hold during the holidays, a decision that can relieve stress and provide more free time to do things you enjoy.

The challenges of the holidays surprise many couples who are experiencing infertility. Anything that helps you reduce stress and enjoy this time is worth considering. Put together a game plan; and, start early—the people who put up those decorations did!

Dr. Andrea Mechanick Braverman is director of Psychology and Complementary Care at Reproductive Medicine Associates of New Jersey (RMA). She also helped launch Complementary Care, a new program designed to address the emotional issues involved in treating fertility problems. Visit RMA’s Web site at www.rmanj.com